The Bachelorette Breakdown (Week 5)

bachelorette abc

First of all, I apologize for not blogging about last week’s episodes.  Truthfully, I had every intention of blogging about every single show in this season of ABC’s The Bachelorette.  However, week 3’s Amateur Night of the Vagina Monologues was just a little too much for me to swallow. I mean, I don’t advertise my blog as being G rated necessarily, but for Pete’s sake my grandfather is my most dedicated follower.  I had to draw the line somewhere.

But this week, I’m back and more ready than ever to cast judgement upon the lucky 13 (most of whom I still don’t know their names…). Let’s get started.  Alex comes in and is paraded around like he just scored the winning touchdown in the state football game, which I find humorous because all that was decided was that he was the lesser of two evils.  I really wanted to like Alex in the beginning, but my teacher instincts are telling me that he’s the annoying student in class who would tattle on the kid sitting next to him because he thought it would make the teacher like him that much more (God, I hate those kids…).

Chad’s Back (for a hot minute): The first 15 minutes can be summed up as follows: Chad’s roid-rage is alive and well.  Evan whines like a little bitch.  Chad makes “serious” threats on people’s lives. Evan demands that Chad pay for his new shirt. (I don’t get why Evan is so worried about his shirt.  He’s on his was to Paradise; he’ll have no use for it.) Moving on.

Rose Ceremony #1: I’m not going to spend much time on the rose ceremony (boring), but I want to take a second and recognize my all-time favorite exit-Damn Daniel.  He basically tells America that the reason JoJo and he did not work out was because she was looking for a man with a stellar personality, not just good looks. At least he’s humble?

Uruguay: Transitioning to Uruguay (the capital of which is Montevideo thanks to the Spanish song I learned in 9th grade), Aaron Roger’s brother (because that’s who he is to all of us) gets the first date.  So while he’s out “sealing” the deal with JoJo, the guys are just hanging around the hotel doing “guy things” – reading tabloid magazines and cutting each other’s hair.  And you will never believe who is coincidentally featured in the magazine… JoJo. (And thanks to Unreal, I totally know that was a producer set-up.)

But luckily, JoJo cleared everything up.  Apparently, it’s a universal truth that Chads suck. I’m hoping that Chads all over the world can join hands and form a love train – it has been a tough week for those bros.  All they seem to have these days is each other.

And once again, we have a group date where the guys can’t help but flaunt their raw manliness thanks to some cucumber slices and facial masks. In the private convos with JoJo, pretty much every guy says the same thing – he doesn’t believe Chad 2, he could see himself falling in love, he’s there for the right reasons (blah blah blah).  Now enter Alex. He doesn’t trust Derek. Shocking. I feel like Alex is that person that doesn’t get along with anyone and always thinks it’s the other person.  Little Man’s Syndrome is a real thing, ya’ll.

Now on to the last group date.  I’m so glad that Robby and JoJo got to jump off a cliff together because it taught them that in marriage, they will be able to conquer any obstacle that comes their way as long as they are holding hands and doing it “together”.  (I hope you can sense that my tone is dripping with sarcasm…) 

Rose Ceremony #2: The guys got bored and decided to reenact Mean Girls. There’s truly nothing more attractive than a bunch of men bitching to each other.  JoJo is #theluckiest. The last thing I’m going to say about this episode is props to Evan; I never in a million years would have guessed the Erectile Dysfunction guy would have lasted long enough for me to learn his actual name.

Until next week!

Cheers, Erin


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