Well, to all my fans out there (okay, the 10 of you) who have anxiously been awaiting the next fun-sized post, I deeply apologize for the delay. As you all know from previous posts, I am wrapping up the school year, which means I have been preoccupied with signing yearbooks, Snap Chatting my students’ Katy Perry sing-alongs, selling my classroom materials on Park Cities Online Yardsale, etc.
Just kidding. I mean, I really have been doing all of those things, but I’ve also been doing serious adult stuff as well. And all I can say is TGIS (Thank God It’s Summer for all you corporate Americans).
So since I’ll have a lot more time on my hands, and the Real Housewives of Dallas was even more of a flop than anticipated, I’m going to focus my energy on my one-true-reality-tv-love that has never let me down (except for Desiree’s season), The Bachelorette. I even took our relationship to the next level: live tweeting. (And for those of you that just raised your eyebrows because you haven’t been on Twitter since college, if it’s cool enough for Chrissy Teigen, it’s cool enough for me.) And while my live tweeting skillz majorly fail in comparison to @possessionista (follow her, you won’t regret it), I still deserve a trophy. (That’s how it works these days, right?)
But what I can do is blog-cap my thoughts and opinions of JoJo’s quest for her Neil Lane, errr husband. Now it’s kind of hard the first few weeks because there are so many people who will end up so irrelevant to #BachelorNation. So until then, I’m going to focus on the ones who stand out to me: the good, the bad, and the ugly drunk (i.e. I don’t have to Google their names).
But before we focus on JoJo, I need to know if I’m the only overly-analytic Bachelor fan out there. Was anyone else thinking about how awkward this must be for Lauren B and Ben? I can only imagine them uncomfortably sitting on the couch with enough room for both Jesus AND Chris Harrison, tweeting some half-hearted-politically-correct messages about how they totally hope JoJo finds her man, and nervously chugging wine (because they’ll both need it) as they both await the inevitable, JoJo’s Bachelorette-Bikini-bod. And as soon as JoJo makes her debut, Lauren B is thinking to herself, “He’s totally checking her out” while Ben’s thinking to himself, “Shit”.
But their 15 minutes of fame are over. JoJo you’re up. (Cue the cheesy, uncomfortable, not sure if we’re taking senior portraits or reciting our Linked In endorsements character commentaries.)
Jordan the Jock– yes we get it. You have this whole Coach-Taylor-clear-eyes-full-hearts probably won’t lose kinda’ thing goin’ on. The popular girl and the quarterback- it’s basically the plot line of every Chad Michael Murray movie. #RIPOneTreeHill #TeamBrooke
Damn Daniel– Watching him try to explain the “Damn Daniel” line to JoJo was seriously cringe worthy. I hope Damn Daniel took advantage of the Jack Daniel last night because I don’t think he even meets the requirements for Bachelor in Paradise (and that’s sayin’ something…).
Erectile Dysfunction Guy– I don’t even need to learn his name. “E.D., phone home.”
The Kilt Guy– Another guy whose name will always remain unknown because he was
kicked off night one. Also because he told JoJo upon meeting her that he wasn’t wearing any “panties”. Let’s just say, it seems like he may be better suited as a suitor on The Bachelor…
Jake Pavelka– I’m pretty sure he had to pay Chris Harrison in order to make that awkward cameo and try to squeeze in 2 more minutes of fame. I hope for his sake it bought him at least a few more Twitter followers…
I feel like the rest of the guys were just a blur at this point. I promise I’ll make an effort to learn their names once I am fairly confident they will at least make it to week 3. Until then, enjoy my nicknames 🙂