Note: This post was originally written in May 2017; however, it was never published. You can read why here. But we have finally reached a place where both my husband and I feel comfortable sharing the details of our first loss. We would go on to suffer another miscarriage just a month after I originally drafted this post. But praise the Lord that Emmy is currently healthy and this pregnancy is thriving!
I’ve thought about writing this post a thousand times over the last year, but I’ve just never been able to bring myself to do it. I’m not sure if it’s because I felt protective over my secret, whether I was nervous how people would respond, or whether it was simply the fact that I knew writing it would be painful and I’d probably be shedding tears with every press of a keystroke (which was definitely what happened).
I’ve referenced in a lot of previous blog posts that 2016 was a really tough year, and honestly, a lot of my good friends are going to learn the reason for that at the same time as you. And for that, I am sorry. I don’t want anyone to feel like I lied to you or don’t value your friendship. But everyone processes and grieves differently. And until you are in a similar experience, you really don’t know what that will look like for you.
Starting a family is something that Parker and I knew was in our future, but we were never quite sure when that would be. We were never one of those couples that desired to have babies immediately. We wanted to focus on careers, traveling, and just enjoying the freedoms that came with being married with no kids. At first it was we’ll start trying after we get back from our epic Italy vacation. Then we got back from Italy and realized we weren’t quite ready. And so the trend continued.
Finally in August of 2016, I was sitting in my OBGYN’s office for my yearly exam. I remember it like it was yesterday. He walked in and the first thing out of his mouth was, so we ready to start trying yet? And I took a deep breath and basically word vomited my entire plan of conception.
Parker and I were basically at a place where we weren’t pining for a baby but would also be excited if we found out we were in fact pregnant. We didn’t want to track anything or overcomplicate the process. We just wanted to have fun with it and see what would happen. In my mind, this was the perfect plan. Start trying to have a baby when we weren’t desperate because by the time we reached the “desperation” stage, we’d most likely already be pregnant. It was fool proof- I was eliminating any chance for hurt or disappointment. (If you can’t tell already, my sin struggle has always been a desire for control. I’ll discuss that more later.) He laughed and concluded our exam by saying that it looked to be a good time for us to start trying from a biology standpoint…
So sure enough, we did as we were told, and truly didn’t think about it again for 2 weeks. The day I was supposed to start my period, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. I threw it in the trash, didn’t think anything of it, and went about living my life. A week passed, and I thought it odd that I hadn’t started my period yet. Instead of just taking another pregnancy test, I called my doctor and he wanted to do blood work right away. Again, I didn’t think anything of it. The next day at 7:30 A.M. I was driving down Lover’s Lane and right as I passed The Drip, I got a call from my doctor. Which was weird. It was so early. And then, my doctor dropped a bomb. I WAS PREGNANT.
I’m sorry, whattt?????? I instinctually called my husband and proceeded to drop the same bomb on him. In hind sight, maybe I should have waited and found some cute, creative way to announce the news, but I was so caught off guard that it didn’t even cross my mind haha. As I was recounting my conversation with the doctor to Parker, I did mention how he said some of my numbers were a little on the lower side, so he wanted to do blood work again in two days to make sure my numbers had doubled. He was very optimistic and said I shouldn’t be too worried. That everything else looked really good.
Well, fast forward to September 9th- the worst day of my life. If you’ve experienced miscarriage personally, you know exactly what I was feeling. I’m not sure I can justify the heartache with words. And if you have never experienced it, I pray you never do. It’s a pain that stabs so deep in your core – a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
If I hadn’t had a miscarriage, my little one would have been due on May 9th, which means I would have celebrated my first Mother’s Day 2017 as a mama myself. But the Lord had a very different plan for me. And while I’m still hurting and angry and sad and anxious about the future, I am more sure than ever of God’s love for me and constant provision.
Surprisingly, the months following our miscarriage have not only been the greatest challenge but also such a gift for Parker and I. I cannot explain in words how much Parker has stepped up as a husband and been such a source of unconditional love and strength for me, when I’ve literally needed to be picked up off the floor. This experience has taught me how to be a more compassionate and empathetic friend. And more than anything, it has forced me to surrender myself wholly to the Lord because I physically could not get through this on my own.
Ever since I was little, I have desired control. If Plan A didn’t work out, there was no reason to stress because I already had Plans B, C and D in my back pocket. I have always known in my head that I’m dependent on Christ. But I don’t know that I’ve always believed it in my heart, until now. A lesson that is agonizing to learn but so freeing to experience.
Miscarriage, infertility, and loss are such an isolating and impossible beasts. And like I said in my first post announcing our pregnancy, Parker and I do not pretend to be the experts on this subject. We know there are thousands of people out there who have fought this battle much longer than us. For those of you out there who have been walking through this storm for two years, three years, even 10+ years my heart breaks with you and my prayers go out for you.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
I don’t pretend to be able to relate to your experience, but I do want to acknowledge the fact that I understand what it feels like to experience loss. I want to leave you with one verse that hopefully can encourage some of you in the same way that it has been such a hope for me.
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” – Psalm 27:13-15
Love, Erin and Parker
Infertility Bloggers to Follow:
– The Amateur Nester offers Christian encouragement and shares stories from women all over the country who have battled infertility.
We would love to hear from you! Please let us know if you have any questions about our experience, share a similar story, or would like us to be praying for you!