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Need to confront boyfriend

When you have found out that your boyfriend has lied to you, you may want to confront him in the heat of the moment. However if you focus on the fact that he lied more than why he lied, the conversation can be counterproductive towards your relationship. The best way to deal with the situation is to speak to your partner in a calm and rational manner. You may be hurt but if order to reveal the reason for his lying, you must not let your anger control your emotions or the conversation. Trying to confront your boyfriend when you're upset will muddle your message. Men often find difficulty talking through issues when their partners are agitated, so give him and yourself a better chance to work through your issue.

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Confronting my Best Friend about Sleeping with my Boyfriend - Tik Tok

Confront boyfriend about his true feelings

Find help or get online counseling now. Posted by AppleJuiceGirl. This is a very long one and I apologize, but I'm really at my wits end here. I've "asked a therapist" because this relates to some other psychological issues I have, but this question is specifically about my relationship.

There are several things about my boyfriend that bother me. The biggest issue I'm having right now is that he lies to me. I first found out that he lied to me when some of his friends told me they felt that he was cheating on me. They had some "circumstantial" reasons, but I felt that I needed to find out for myself. So, for the first time in our year and a half relationship, I snooped through his phone.

I found out that he lied to me the weekend before about what he was doing. He claimed he was sleeping which is why he didn't return my phone calls until 3 in the morning, when in fact he had gone out, picked up a girl and took her to a bar to see a friend's band play. At this time, Jim had told me countless times that he was "sleeping" and didn't return my phone calls until usually around 3 in the morning.

So, this made me think he had lied to me several times before, however, I could not prove this. What was so hurtful about this, is that Jim and I rarely do much together outside of hanging around the house. I asked him all the time if he wanted to do this or that or hang out with so and so, but he always refused or was tired, etc. We talked about it, and I thought I got the point across to him to stop lying.

He started acting suspiciously again a couple of months later. He was texting people and wouldn't tell me who they were and he was deleting text messages, phone calls and voicemails. I went through his phone again and found he was hanging out with some girl even meeting her at a hotel. I confronted him again and he explained himself.

He said that he was hanging out with this girl to buy marijuana and didn't want me to know because it would piss me off. The hotel thing was a party this girl threw, so it wasn't like they were alone. I told him then that if he lied to me or hid things from me again I would break up with him. Flash forward to last night. A couple days ago Jim started erasing text messages again when I said that I wasn't going to bed at the same time he was.

I think it was because he was afraid I'd go through his phone while he was sleeping. Last night, I did go through his phone again and have found that he lied to me yet again.

Friday night I was trying to get ahold of him to come see him I asked if he had plans that night , but he said he would "call me later" because he was "talking to his dad. I was already in bed so I declined. I also didn't believe his "talking to dad" story either. Going through his phone I find that he was talking to the hotel girl, asking her if she wanted to hang out and smoke this was literally at the same time I was texting him to hang out, which means he was making plans that night but didn't tell me.

I saw that he called her a half hour later and I'm assuming they hung out, which is why Jim didn't get back ahold of me until midnight. I have not confronted him about this. Now, here's my big problem. Confronting Jim isn't good. He gets very defensive and his tone always makes ME feel like an idiot.

He never wants to talk about any problems I have and he gets angry I go through his phone which is understandable, I guess. It is very difficult to really discuss my feelings because he always turns it around and makes it about him. Also, I have a hard time expressing my feelings as it is, being under pressure during in argument makes me forget my "points" and usually leaves me crying and feeling helpless. I don't know how to confront him this time. I am SICK of the lies and him not thinking about my feelings.

I wish I could just not do those things, but I'm so desperate to know if he's telling the truth or not. It needs to stop. It's not just the lying that's taking a toll on me. He doesn't really listen to my feelings and doesn't change when I tell him x is bothering me. He doesn't make an effort to come see me unless he has another agenda in the area like work or seeing another friend. He has told me numerous times that he knows he's not the best boyfriend, but he'll change once he gets his financial issues out of the way.

He doesn't seem to like to go out with me or my friends. He also has a Facebook he made about a month ago and never told me about, and has added everyone from his ex to my best friend without ever adding me.

This bothers me a lot, too. All of this combined with the lying and I'm about to go out of mind. And I feel like I'm in the wrong with all my snooping. I love my boyfriend though, and don't want to break up so please don't tell me that's my best option.

He's a really good person, with a great personality, he's super funny, good looking and when we're together things are fantastic. It's when we're not together things seem to.. Go to crap, I guess. It's his actions that I have a problem with, not him himself. We've been dating for two years and I feel that I should have more commitment and trust with and from him than I do.

How do I confront him about this last lie without soliciting his defensiveness? Obviously, he hasn't taken me seriously before. Tomorrow is his birthday and we're going to dinner to celebrate tonight. I'm not gonna bring this up tonight or tomorrow because I don't want to ruin his birthday.

He's also going through a stressful time with his family mom is moving out of state , so he's been pretty down lately. Any help would be great. Related Questions In a relationship, do men or women change easier? I am totally morally confused and need help Help with understanding how to deal with older kids I'm having trouble trusting in a relationship i ask too many questions need help? How do i trust again? Hot and cold running boyfriend?

My fiance and I are in Iraq and it has been a constant struggle to make things work. Should I keep fighting? Can I stop a past assault from ruining my new relationship? Is he insecure, or am I really at fault? Is it a good idea to start this relationship? Am I wrong for wanting his mom to move out? Answers AppleJuiceGirl. Also, I should add that when I confront him it's going to be about more than the lying. It's going to be about the every day pot use, the neglect and just my feelings in general.

I don't know how to wrap it all into one. I don't want to say "here's this problem" and sort through it just to say "Oh, and there's another issue" after he thinks we made good with the first issue.

Hi AppleJuiceGirl, I wanted to say first you give very sensible advice when you answer questions. I understand how frustrated you feel. You said you don't want to hear "just break up with him".

Unfortunately sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people and I think this is what's happening for you. I hear you saying he's got some good qualities but he also has some very undesirable ones. You also don't want to play detective because you don't trust him. If you want to give him one more chance that's up to you - I don't want you to keep getting hurt. I suspect he's not ready for a serious relationship. I think you should make a list of the pros and cons of your reltionship.

Sit down with him and calmly say how you feel and what you want from him. Tell him that you won't tolerate lying,fooling around and drugs.

Ask him if he's willing to commit to a monogamous relationship. Best of luck, Bella. Thanks Bella, I always love reading your advice. And hate posting after you because I feel like I'm just repeating what you said! I know breaking up with him is one of my best options, but I'm not ready for it now. I want to make sure I scrounge and do my best to save the relationship before and if I have to make the split, so I know it's the right choice and have no regrets.

Thanks for the advice! Making an actual list will definitely help me out. Thanks AJGirl, there nothing wrong with taking your time to make sure it's the right decision.

How to Confront a Boyfriend

It can be difficult to recover when you find out your boyfriend has been lying to you. In fact, many relationships suffer from white lies or exaggerated truths early, when both people are trying to impress each other. But if your boyfriend is lying to you a consistent basis, you should identify when he is lying, think about why he may be lying, and respond to his lies in a clear and honest way. If your boyfriend continues to lie to you, even when you confront him, you may want to consider if there are issues in your relationship that are bigger than just a few small lies.

Find help or get online counseling now. Posted by AppleJuiceGirl.

I found a goal list my boyfriend made when we were split up for a few months last summer. These were to be fulfilled by August At first it seemed cute, until I got to this goal: Fall in love with the girl of my dreams. Which I still thought was cute, until I saw the name beside it, which was not me. It happens to be a girl I was once friends with.

Dear Therapist: When I Bring Up Anything Serious, My Boyfriend Falls Apart

Some of us go on to handle it properly by having that discussion with them. Some others do not handle it so well and may have to resort to alternative measures like going through their stuff. In fact, every woman has probably done it at some point in their relationships. Even if you found something to be angry about, you still need to admit to yourself that you invaded his personal space and broke his trust. And the truth is, even if you decide to hold on to that information, it will definitely come up some day, either as an unconscious statement or in the heat of an argument. Either way, in whatever scenario you conjure, keeping the fact that you snooped away from your boyfriend never ends in your favor. If you indeed found something, there is the tendency that he will turn the argument around and have you looking like an insecure mess. Do not let that happen. Do not let your action be used as an excuse to treat you badly. Redirect the conversation to the issue and if apologies are necessary, make sure that you get them without coming off as aggressive or manipulative.

How to Confront Your Boyfriend after Snooping

Have you ever been in a relationship and wanted to say something like, "I'm afraid you're still not over your ex," or "I'm afraid I'm more into you than you're into me," to your partner but just couldn't? Have you ever felt like you don't know how to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend something is bothering you without them getting upset or shutting you down? It's OK. Truth is, it happens to the best of us. But it doesn't have to.

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Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.

How To Tell Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend That Something Is Bothering You In Your Relationship

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Should I confront my bf and if so, how?

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Mar 11, - If your boyfriend continues to lie to you, even when you confront him, you may want to consider if there are issues in your relationship that are.

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