Before I begin dissecting week one of The Bachelor, I have a little something that I wish I could have said to Nick 6 months ago. I never thought I would give anyone this advice (well, except for my sister because I selfishly get a kick out of swiping left and right for her), but Nick didn’t need to go on The Bachelor to find love (or a steamy hot tub make out). I feel like nobody has actually clarified that there are more outlets for meeting that special someone that don’t involve a Bachelor franchised show. Nick just needs to get on Tinder.
But before we really dive into Week 1, I have to make one irrelevant comment. Am I the only viewer that thinks it’s UH MAZ ING that all of Nick’s high school prom dates and exes didn’t give consent to show their faces on national television. Actions speak louder than words, Nick. Maybe you should have thought that was a red flag. But this is neither here nor there because here we are…
We begin the episode with the obligatory Former Bachelor Think Tank so that the former reality stars can still remain relevant enough to receive endorsements on social media. I mean, seriously Chris Soules, nobody gives a shit about what you have to say about anything (unless you are trying to crack the code to how to land the most reality tv show offers of a D-List celebrity). It’s really pathetic.
But as far as the ladies, we all know that you don’t really need to learn any of their names for at least the first 4 weeks. So I’m just going to comment on a few of the standouts thus far in the season that you will either be seeing go the distance or on next season of #BIP.
One of the Dallas girls. Seems like she is a wannabe Olivia Pope. So far, I like her. I mean, I’m trying not to hold it against her that she would give up her successful career as a high-powered attorney to go on a dating show, but it seemed to work out for Andi Dorfman.
This season’s skank. Nick’s season of The Bachelor is basically her audition for next season of Bachelor in Paradise. And hopefully she’ll bring her nanny.
The 31 year old. Basically the only girl on this show who is older than me. I love her already.
The mental health counselor. I’m confused. She just graduated from Johns Hopkins, so the only explanation is that this has to be her big research project. Because nobody who has to have it together enough to be giving people direction and advice in their lives would NOT go on the Bachelor.
Jade’s MOH. The girl who just admitted to having sex with Nick on national television but isn’t sure that Nick will remember her. I literally want to crawl in a hole and die for her. And I can’t decide if it’s more because she confessed to having sex with him in front of everyone or the fact that she hopes that he doesn’t remember her because it adds a level of “mystery”. #daddyissues
Alexis (aka Shark Girl)
Honestly, I kind of love her because she totally reminds me of my best friend (minus the fact that she drops the f bomb like every other word).
First of all, when she meets Nick, she says “I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity”. She’s clearly from Tulsa. And she’s clearly going to be a #Stage5Clinger.
At the beginning of the episode, I told Parker that she was my favorite. His immediate response, “I don’t know, I could kind of see her going crazy…”. He leaves the room to watch football; I continue watching to see her begin to spiral out of control about not getting alone time with Nick. How does he do that!?
Overall, I have a few thoughts. I will probably give Nick a really hard time this season, but honestly, he’s actually funny. He’s got some really good one-liners. Even Parker said so, which should tell you something since the guy has never been able to completely get through an entire episode of The Bachelor in our 3 years of marriage. He totally threw shade at Liz for choosing to pursue him on television instead of real life, which I respect. And last but not least, he gave the 1st impression rose to the 31 year old successful, black attorney from D-town.
Now as far as the girls are concerned, I have a feeling that they are about to take “BACH-shit-crazy” to a whole new level.
If you want to read my week one recap of JoJo’s season to compare, click here. Until next week. Cheers!